Walls

The older you get the more you learn, right? Well I feel like I learn something new everyday about myself. I guess this is what growing up is all about.... somethings are good and some not so good but either way at some point you realize these things. And if it is one of those not so good things what is the next step? I think you have to decide if this is something that you need to change and if so are you going to start doing something to change?

Well I am at that point, there is something I have come to realize about my self that really saddens me. I am not sure how I got here or how to change but I truly want to make an effort. I guess in some way we all put up walls to protect our self's but sometimes we really are only hurting ours self's more. I have come to the realization that I have a wall up that tells people that they cannot tell or share things with me . My mother doesn't tell me things, my grandmother doesn't want to tell me things and my husband doesn't feel like he can tell me things. I don't know if it is because I constantly over react, or if I am just not an understanding person but there is some action I or attitude that I am projecting that tells people that they cannot tell me things. I apologizes to all of these people to include my close friends I am sure there have been times where there were things the didn't feel like they could tell me.

This weekend I was at a get together with some friends and something thing came up in conversations that Tim had decided not to tell me. Really what it was wasn't something all that important but the fact that Tim didn't share this with me really hurt my feelings and then I had to sit there wondering what was the reason he didn't want to share this small thing with me. And from the look on one of my friends faces I could tell that it was something that Tim and ask everyone one not to share with. Also when my friends made the comment I don't know why he doesn't tell you stuff I mean my husband tells me things, It really put me in my places. I am sure she didn't mean it to sound the way it did, but it really hurt my feelings. Why doesn't he tell me things? Is our relationship in such a state that my husband feels like he cannot tell me stuff. At that point I really just wanted to go home to be honest it really put me in a glum mood. If I was siting on the other side of that table looking at me I would think to myself wow they must not have that great of a relationship to start with. But until that moment I did think that Tim and I have a good marriage but maybe I am wrong maybe there are all kinds of things that Tim feels like he cannot share with me.

I really am not sure how I got this way but I want to change it.... I feel really bad for Tim... who wants to be in a relationship with someone you don't feel like you can share things with no matter how small or big they are. That is what marriage is about sharing everything the good and the bad. Also what if I do have children one day, I don't want to be the kind of mother where her children don't tell her things. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.